•11:59 PM
Yesterday was one of those constant mental attack days. At one point Kelly called the church and said, "how are you?" I said "ok, how are you" and she started laughing and said fine. I didn't ask her why she was laughing because I thought I knew the answer and I wasn't in the mood to try to explain that I didn't know what was really wrong with me. Afterwards Pastor Pat said she asked him what was wrong with me. I told him, "I feel funky today and I don't know why."
Ever have one of those days that you are depressed and kind of feel like you are looking for a reason to be depressed? Or maybe not depressed, frustrated, hurt, sad, take your pick. You just want a reason to feel like you do because then at least you know it will end. That was my yesterday.
All day I fought. I wanted to lash out at Pastor Pat but instead I prayed and asked God to give me patience because I knew what I was lashing out at was not even his fault. I wanted to stop singing during worship and just quit playing altogether but instead I kept drawing my thoughts back to God and the words of the song. Because I knew that Tom wasn't trying to manipulate me off the team, he was trying to make all of us sound better. I wanted to get up and leave the teaching because I felt I needed to be alone but instead I listened and asked God to help me through this because I was exhausted from the mental fight all day long.
You know what God did? He blessed me with a teaching that spoke right to the core of my heart. I was able to walk away from the teaching with tools to fight back. I was encouraged and I felt good yes, but that was just the side effect of remembering what my focus truly needs to be, Jesus. Getting back to the reasons that I do what I do, its all about Jesus.
Having experienced days like this before I truly expected to have a few more fighting days ahead. Tools are not cures, just tools. But the Lord blessed me this time by allowing me to wake up with such joy in my heart. Thank you Lord! I would have fought if you asked but it was such a blessing to be able to rest in You today!
Ever have one of those days that you are depressed and kind of feel like you are looking for a reason to be depressed? Or maybe not depressed, frustrated, hurt, sad, take your pick. You just want a reason to feel like you do because then at least you know it will end. That was my yesterday.
All day I fought. I wanted to lash out at Pastor Pat but instead I prayed and asked God to give me patience because I knew what I was lashing out at was not even his fault. I wanted to stop singing during worship and just quit playing altogether but instead I kept drawing my thoughts back to God and the words of the song. Because I knew that Tom wasn't trying to manipulate me off the team, he was trying to make all of us sound better. I wanted to get up and leave the teaching because I felt I needed to be alone but instead I listened and asked God to help me through this because I was exhausted from the mental fight all day long.
You know what God did? He blessed me with a teaching that spoke right to the core of my heart. I was able to walk away from the teaching with tools to fight back. I was encouraged and I felt good yes, but that was just the side effect of remembering what my focus truly needs to be, Jesus. Getting back to the reasons that I do what I do, its all about Jesus.
Having experienced days like this before I truly expected to have a few more fighting days ahead. Tools are not cures, just tools. But the Lord blessed me this time by allowing me to wake up with such joy in my heart. Thank you Lord! I would have fought if you asked but it was such a blessing to be able to rest in You today!
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